Moving on from certainty

It's weird to feel like you're a certain person...type, path, motivation...and then to find yourself stranded. Not immovable, but floating without a grounding point. I'm a dancer, I'm a psychologist, I'm a model, I choreograph, I write for fun, I sing for fun; and yet, I don't know who I am or what I'm striving for anymore. I strive to be fulfilled - by doing what exactly? When I was little I didn't want to learn how to play the piano because I felt that it would destroy my creativity with it. Now I'm limited because I can't expand my creativity because I never learned the foundations. With dance I learned the foundations, the freedom, the passion - but, especially lately, performing choreography puts a certain stress on me to where I lose that spark and happiness because I feel insufficient. I want to move to my own beat without a set pattern or rhythm. Psychology taught me empathy beyond every day living - and I thrived, but living the day to day with sufferers dampens my own happiness, and sitting at a desk makes me want to escape and spin around in a field with no worries or responsibilities.

After my last audition I began to search for alternative outlets to live every day without a set path in order to give myself the freedom to learn more about myself. I am now a freelance writer for a company...but the available topics have nothing to do with what I know or what I'm good at (being a mechanic). I got head shots taken to apply to talent agencies, but I still need others to review which ones are the best before I submit. I want to be involved outdoors - until I look outside and see a blizzard. I want to go on vacation - but have no funds. I want to choreograph - but have no money for space or dancers. I want to write creatively - but have no outlet to be heard or to make it a living. All of these "wants" - and all of these "buts." It's infuriating, it's depressing, but I do know that I was not meant for an office 9-5, and that I need to be creative. So I continue with my "career" search...but more it's more like a "life-purpose" search.