Dreams

Imagine being in an open field covered in snow...a wide grassy plain with evergreen trees off in the distance. Among those distant trees are two set apart from the others: One is fiery red with autumn breath still bristling its leaves, while the other is somewhat smaller and a vivid orange. It is Halloween, and others are dressed up in costumes at a local festival and enjoying moments together.

This is my dream, and I have skipped a college class in a setting such as London with its beautiful architecture in order to escape limited thoughts such as how long I have sat in a classroom and how many tests I have taken with a passing knowledge of the subject. Instead, I want to experience what is around me and how everything feels to pass through the air in which we exist. I take photos of doorways - as they mean something to me that I cannot explain, and find beauty in dark red doors with the paint peeling away and gorgeous brass decorations. Since it is Halloween, I dress myself as a Lion. This is not the typical Halloween costume that I would wear, it is a costume with much thought and detail so that I am unsure of where the costume ends and I begin.

Like many dreams before this one, I dance in an open field. I am able to jump and push off of the air and dance higher and higher into the trees. It fills my chest with an overwhelming sensation that is addicting, and I don't want to come down. But I do just to see if I can do it again. I woke up crying because it was the most beautiful sensation I have ever seen and/or felt, and feeling like I was closer to what I am supposed to be in this life.

Moving on from certainty

It's weird to feel like you're a certain person...type, path, motivation...and then to find yourself stranded. Not immovable, but floating without a grounding point. I'm a dancer, I'm a psychologist, I'm a model, I choreograph, I write for fun, I sing for fun; and yet, I don't know who I am or what I'm striving for anymore. I strive to be fulfilled - by doing what exactly? When I was little I didn't want to learn how to play the piano because I felt that it would destroy my creativity with it. Now I'm limited because I can't expand my creativity because I never learned the foundations. With dance I learned the foundations, the freedom, the passion - but, especially lately, performing choreography puts a certain stress on me to where I lose that spark and happiness because I feel insufficient. I want to move to my own beat without a set pattern or rhythm. Psychology taught me empathy beyond every day living - and I thrived, but living the day to day with sufferers dampens my own happiness, and sitting at a desk makes me want to escape and spin around in a field with no worries or responsibilities.

After my last audition I began to search for alternative outlets to live every day without a set path in order to give myself the freedom to learn more about myself. I am now a freelance writer for a company...but the available topics have nothing to do with what I know or what I'm good at (being a mechanic). I got head shots taken to apply to talent agencies, but I still need others to review which ones are the best before I submit. I want to be involved outdoors - until I look outside and see a blizzard. I want to go on vacation - but have no funds. I want to choreograph - but have no money for space or dancers. I want to write creatively - but have no outlet to be heard or to make it a living. All of these "wants" - and all of these "buts." It's infuriating, it's depressing, but I do know that I was not meant for an office 9-5, and that I need to be creative. So I continue with my "career" search...but more it's more like a "life-purpose" search.

That "In Between" Time

It's always difficult to know where you stand when you leave a company for (hopefully) better circumstances, artistically and logically. Taking classes wherever you can get them, preferably company classes that you respect and are inspired by, can help your self-esteem and establish quality contacts. But when financial struggles hit and you have to cut down on those professional classes for intermediate ones as well as to sit behind a desk for far too long- you become a little more jaded and a bit more conflict-ridden. This is the point that I'm at currently. And I crave to get back into rehearsals. Apparently one month is way too much to ask for as a break. I just have to remind myself that September is coming quickly and that things will change.

Couple this itch with an itch for self-discovery and identity crisis, and it's like living in a whirl wind. I feel like I'm drifting aimlessly, but that my whole life is changing where I have planted my feet. I no longer know if I want to do anything outside of dance or the arts to make a living. Everything that I feel like I accomplished academically seems to pale in comparison to the way that dance makes me feel - and I have found myself attempting to find ways to place myself in the path of collision. I have also begun a search I have always been interested in, but too afraid to follow: paganism. Blah, blah, blah: it's not devil worship, it's not black magic - this path is focused on finding that inner power. Don't laugh. It's about confidence and faith and being genuine. Living life is the highest priority. Understanding is not - which goes against all of my psychology background. But I totally agree. I want to see the flowers as I walk by - not be rushing by too busy to notice. I don't want to be preoccupied with understanding the past when something wonderful is occurring right before me, but that I'm too scared to see it. I want to notice the change in the breeze and to watch the leaves shiver on the trees. Because this is what inspires me to dance, to live, to smile, to look forward to tomorrow. Mistakes will always teach you something to use in the future, but not to dwell on.

Love/Hate relationships

So my last post was a while ago because my life has been non-stop. June is awesome and I get to dance so much with the Cerqua Rivera shows last weekend that practically convinced me that I wanted to stay with the company if they offer me a paying role, Dmitri's performance this upcoming weekend where I really feel like I'm starting something from the ground-up and I can express my own movement, the Thodos intensive next weekend wondering if they would offer me anything this upcoming season, and then being asked to perform for the Hope Through Dance project at the end of the month. It's amazing, and I want to dance more than ever. And then I woke up this morning, and my life did another flip-flop.

A few months ago I auditioned for the Kibbutz Contemporary Dance Company based in Israel, and so much time had passed and paperwork I thought had gone forgotten, until they offered me $7500 for a $7300 apprenticeship program. Granted I still have to pay for food and flight, and figure out what to do with all of my stuff here... but it's amazing. And I remember the recruiter saying that I would be perfect. And THEN I remember that I have a great guy here that I don't want to leave, but that he supports me in what I want to do.

Until I told him and found out he really isn't sure if he's okay with me leaving for 5 months. Which is totally understandable, but makes this much less exciting and more depressing. The fact that I can't tell him how I really see my future going, and that, because of pasts remembered, I may not get to realize that. And then I have to remind myself to think of what I would do if I didn't have any attachments and what I would feel I needed to do to reach/surpass my dreams. But being in love is also my ultimate dream. It wouldn't be worth it to get where I've been striving without someone that I love to share it with....long distance or not.

One of those rare days

Today was a day where I could do absolutely NOTHING. Of course I could have cleaned my apartment, cleaned my garage, done dishes...etc. But no, I decided to enjoy a day off and eat and watch TV with my boyfriend. Somehow I'm still up til almost midnight with a ton on my mind - stupid brain. I want to say so much, but instead I just reason myself out of action. Everything is known, but is left unspoken. For better? For worse? I haven't decided yet. Maybe it's both?

Dance, Interview results, Chocolate... and more Dance

Today began at 4:45am...by hitting the snooze button, of course ;). At about 5:10am I woke up and, before putting my feet on the ground, gave myself a foot and leg massage/stretch so I didn't limp around to get in the shower. Being sore from dance is easily mistaken for getting old (of course I didn't have this much of a problem in high school - judge as you wish). But before I could finish stretching, my hand slipped off of my foot and totally gashed my hand with my fingernail. And then I'm awake trying to figure out if that stinging sensation is blood. Stumbling to the bathroom - blinded by the light - I somehow focused on my finger by squinting in one eye to find that yes, I did break skin, but not bleeding. Ok. Now I can start getting ready for the shower.

This morning was a run-through of DPDT's show before Ginger Farley comes to critique an additional run-through. Awesome! Of course, being new to Chicago I have no clue who this person is other than being told that she's a previous professional dancer and model (I googled her after this morning). We're supposed to be warm on arrival, but 7am is difficult, so I took advantage of a dancer being late to begin the run-through to warm up a bit. The first run was still a warm-up period, but by the time Ginger showed up I'm ready to go :) She gave some awesome comments that I could really understand. Sometimes people come in and you have no idea what show they just saw when they start talking about it, but hers were right-on. And yes, I was thinking this before she told me I had very elegant and rounded movement ;). Her compliment did help me to like her more, though!

With rehearsal over, I go to a University that I've been in the process of getting hired as a research assistant. No long term position is available yet, but I do have employment to start next week through July! Hooray! Plus it's work from home so I can shift my schedule to do work as I need. So I get my assignment, borrow a book to use as a resource, and I'm on my way home thankful my money situation has improved significantly for the next couple of months.

On to a photo shoot with truffles (yes, that's me with the truffle from today). It was an awesomely fun time. I got free MAC makeup, truffles, scotch (just a little), and espresso. Oh My God.... I had to slow down on the chocolate half way through. Luckily we didn't shoot the truffles the whole 2 hours, and switched to just head shots. Stay tuned for more photos!

Then I went to the GIA show to usher. Hooray for another fun time! I got to socialize with some other dancers and got to see one of my best and long time friends perform. Yea! It was nice to see dancers genuinely have fun with the movement. At the very end it almost looked like Steph was about to crack up. THAT made me smile :). Went to Clarke's for some late dinner and talked about dance: what we liked, what we need more of, and lessons for when we start our own company.

So much to look forward to...

"Stop it, Erin."

I talk to myself. I tend to become obsessive over small things and can't get my mind onto something else until I've satisfied the thought process. So my phrase: "Stop it, Erin." It works surprisingly well!

Along with obsession comes habits that are hard to break because you're afraid that if you don't follow along with this behavior that something might not work out so well...not quite obsessive-compulsive, but along the same lines. So my obsession: getting to where I need to be on-time or early, and my compulsion: hurrying everywhere.

I had rehearsal this morning at 7am until 8am, and then had rehearsal elsewhere at 9:30am (i.e. plenty of time to take public transportation with time to spare). So what do I do? I speed walk to the train, and then somewhere in the tunnel transferring between trains and people walking slow or fast I realize that I'm wishing that the girl in front of me would go faster. And I ask myself, "Why does she need to go faster for me?" Stop it, Erin. (See? It works!) So I slow my walk a bit, and realize how unnatural it feels, and then think how much it sucks that taking my time feels unnatural. Later, I finish my train ride and decide to train myself to walk slower on my way to rehearsal. It was SO HARD! If I wasn't specifically thinking about it I went fast again. And then I was walking faster than this "I work at a desk" girl and I passed her. Go Me! But then I came to the street crossing and she caught up to me. "That's not supposed to happen." Grrr...

And you know what I did once I got to the rehearsal space? I sat down on the couch for 45 minutes and finished my book. I guess it's okay to rush to relax?

Well, long story short: On my way to my other job post-rehearsals, I'm driving and come to a traffic signal and wait to turn left. Right before it turned red there was still traffic and I decided not to be run over by crazy Chicago drivers. Then, this lady drives up behind me and honks for me to go as it's turning red - and she wouldn't have been able to go unless she ran the red. Karma's a b***h.

But then I was late for work...so that doesn't encourage me to pursue this non-rush period. We'll see what happens...