Dreams

Imagine being in an open field covered in snow...a wide grassy plain with evergreen trees off in the distance. Among those distant trees are two set apart from the others: One is fiery red with autumn breath still bristling its leaves, while the other is somewhat smaller and a vivid orange. It is Halloween, and others are dressed up in costumes at a local festival and enjoying moments together.

This is my dream, and I have skipped a college class in a setting such as London with its beautiful architecture in order to escape limited thoughts such as how long I have sat in a classroom and how many tests I have taken with a passing knowledge of the subject. Instead, I want to experience what is around me and how everything feels to pass through the air in which we exist. I take photos of doorways - as they mean something to me that I cannot explain, and find beauty in dark red doors with the paint peeling away and gorgeous brass decorations. Since it is Halloween, I dress myself as a Lion. This is not the typical Halloween costume that I would wear, it is a costume with much thought and detail so that I am unsure of where the costume ends and I begin.

Like many dreams before this one, I dance in an open field. I am able to jump and push off of the air and dance higher and higher into the trees. It fills my chest with an overwhelming sensation that is addicting, and I don't want to come down. But I do just to see if I can do it again. I woke up crying because it was the most beautiful sensation I have ever seen and/or felt, and feeling like I was closer to what I am supposed to be in this life.

Moving on from certainty

It's weird to feel like you're a certain person...type, path, motivation...and then to find yourself stranded. Not immovable, but floating without a grounding point. I'm a dancer, I'm a psychologist, I'm a model, I choreograph, I write for fun, I sing for fun; and yet, I don't know who I am or what I'm striving for anymore. I strive to be fulfilled - by doing what exactly? When I was little I didn't want to learn how to play the piano because I felt that it would destroy my creativity with it. Now I'm limited because I can't expand my creativity because I never learned the foundations. With dance I learned the foundations, the freedom, the passion - but, especially lately, performing choreography puts a certain stress on me to where I lose that spark and happiness because I feel insufficient. I want to move to my own beat without a set pattern or rhythm. Psychology taught me empathy beyond every day living - and I thrived, but living the day to day with sufferers dampens my own happiness, and sitting at a desk makes me want to escape and spin around in a field with no worries or responsibilities.

After my last audition I began to search for alternative outlets to live every day without a set path in order to give myself the freedom to learn more about myself. I am now a freelance writer for a company...but the available topics have nothing to do with what I know or what I'm good at (being a mechanic). I got head shots taken to apply to talent agencies, but I still need others to review which ones are the best before I submit. I want to be involved outdoors - until I look outside and see a blizzard. I want to go on vacation - but have no funds. I want to choreograph - but have no money for space or dancers. I want to write creatively - but have no outlet to be heard or to make it a living. All of these "wants" - and all of these "buts." It's infuriating, it's depressing, but I do know that I was not meant for an office 9-5, and that I need to be creative. So I continue with my "career" search...but more it's more like a "life-purpose" search.