That "In Between" Time

It's always difficult to know where you stand when you leave a company for (hopefully) better circumstances, artistically and logically. Taking classes wherever you can get them, preferably company classes that you respect and are inspired by, can help your self-esteem and establish quality contacts. But when financial struggles hit and you have to cut down on those professional classes for intermediate ones as well as to sit behind a desk for far too long- you become a little more jaded and a bit more conflict-ridden. This is the point that I'm at currently. And I crave to get back into rehearsals. Apparently one month is way too much to ask for as a break. I just have to remind myself that September is coming quickly and that things will change.

Couple this itch with an itch for self-discovery and identity crisis, and it's like living in a whirl wind. I feel like I'm drifting aimlessly, but that my whole life is changing where I have planted my feet. I no longer know if I want to do anything outside of dance or the arts to make a living. Everything that I feel like I accomplished academically seems to pale in comparison to the way that dance makes me feel - and I have found myself attempting to find ways to place myself in the path of collision. I have also begun a search I have always been interested in, but too afraid to follow: paganism. Blah, blah, blah: it's not devil worship, it's not black magic - this path is focused on finding that inner power. Don't laugh. It's about confidence and faith and being genuine. Living life is the highest priority. Understanding is not - which goes against all of my psychology background. But I totally agree. I want to see the flowers as I walk by - not be rushing by too busy to notice. I don't want to be preoccupied with understanding the past when something wonderful is occurring right before me, but that I'm too scared to see it. I want to notice the change in the breeze and to watch the leaves shiver on the trees. Because this is what inspires me to dance, to live, to smile, to look forward to tomorrow. Mistakes will always teach you something to use in the future, but not to dwell on.